Thursday, September 27, 2007

Screw On Breasts? (xPost)

I was visiting Amarinda Jones blog the other day and saw this post. It was so funny I laughed out loud and had my kids thinking someone had slipped something illegal into my Starbucks. Amarinda is a fellow Ellora's Cave author with a cool new book out called "Maid for Death." Check out her blog - it's a frickin hoot. In the meantime, I told her I was going to pass this around, so get ready to laugh...especially if you have breasts (wait, doesn't everybody?). Here's what she wrote:

"Breasts…what is the point of them? Yes, I know the various biological and sexual answers to this question but really aren’t there times when you wished you didn’t have them? Breasts can be painful and problematic. For a while now, I have held this belief that screw on- screw off breasts would be a distinct advantage. What am I talking about?

Advantages of screw on-off breasts:

  • At period time when they start to ache – screw ‘em off and put them in a box until they are no longer painful to carry around.
  • Mammograms are painful. Solution? Unscrew breasts – hand them to the technician to check while you wait outside in the waiting room.
  • Gravity making your breasts sag? Unscrew ‘em and get new ones.
  • Flat chested? Buy a bigger screw on size. Need a breast reduction? Buy a smaller size. No surgery involved.
  • Using breasts to your advantage - “Hmm…a D cup today to get the boss off the subject of my slack arsed performance at work? Yes, I think so.” Men are so easy to get off track.
  • Author Anny Cook’s suggestion - if you get mugged and you decide to fight back and chase the mugger, as you run you can unscrew a breast, throw it and bean him. The only problem with this is there could be case for assault with a deadly nipple and the legal ramifications of that.
  • Author Kelly Kirch’s suggestions - public breast feeding would not be an issue as you could unscrew them and feed your child without moralistic people getting all offended. Also while taking a bath, if you don’t have a bath plug, unscrew a breast and use that. My only caution on that is make sure they don’t get suctioned into the plug hole too hard as you would be up for a replacement screw-on breast.
  • Before you get dressed to go out women could look at an outfit and say “Does this need boobs or not?” Sort of like do I need a necklace or not? Think of all the clothes you could wear that would not pull across your bust.
  • Twisted bra strap? Do you have permanent dints in you shoulders from wearing a bra? The answer is simple. Free yourself from bras. Get screw-on breasts that remain perky and need no hydraulic lifting.
  • Weighing in for a diet check? Unscrew your breasts and be instantly pounds lighter.
  • Not in the mood for sex but your partner is? Hand him the breasts and say “Knock yourself out.”
  • Like to jog? Hate sports bras? Unscrew your breasts.
  • They could be used for doorstops, exercise weights, ear muffs, paperweights, headrests – the uses are endless."

So what's your take on the subject. Tell us...after you're done snarfing whatever you happen to be drinking while you read this!


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Blogger Ericka Scott said...

I think I shot part of my granola bar out my left nostril! LOL

September 27, 2007 at 1:35 PM  
Blogger TJ Michaels said...

Ericka! Oh my god! ROFL!


October 1, 2007 at 7:09 PM  

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